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Warning: This article contains real life events, however some names have been changed for the safety of those involved.


Most of us, even if we don’t want to admit it, have downloaded a dating app at some point – if only through curiosity. If fate hasn’t proved so lucky for you, you’re not alone. These disastrous date stories will provide you with priceless entertainment…

 

TINDER

This popular dating app came out of nowhere in 2012 and still, it continues to dominate. If you don’t have the app, one of your friends probably does and you’ve most likely sat swiping away with them (…it’s quite fun)!

At first, Tinder was known and used for hook-ups, and although this is a trend that still continues, others have found something a little more meaningful than just a one-night stand. The majority of us, however, haven’t been quite so lucky, enduring some of the worst, and quite frankly most shocking dates we’ve ever heard of…

No toys at the table - Jack, 25
After a few days of friendly back and forth banter, I decided it was time to ask the girl I had matched with on a date. I turned up at a local restaurant for a late lunch, sitting patiently waiting for my date to arrive. A girl approached me (a few pounds heavier than I was expecting). Not the shallow type, I gestured for her to take a seat, and so began the awkward small talk one would accustom with a first date.

Little did this last. Within minutes the innocent looking girl in front of me was pulling out all types of sex toys from her bag, telling me all the naughty things she’d like to do to me. Laughing it off, I looked around me to make sure no young, fragile eyes had seen the spread as I desperately tried to change the subject.

As the meal continued, the conversation didn’t get any better. I felt as if she was slowly undressing me with her eyes as she looked at me with such intent.

THEN, WHEN SHE FINALLY WENT TO THE BATHROOM, I DID SOMETHING I'D NEVER DONE BEFORE. I MADE A RUN FOR IT - AFTER COVERING THE CHEQUE MAY I ADD.

Standing at the train station, panting from my vampiric speed, I once again found myself face to face with the girl. I cursed myself – should have got a taxi! Backing away from her, I pounced onto my train, only to be inundated with calls and texts thereafter. I blocked her number. I’m sorry, maybe next time you shouldn’t bring your favourite bedtime toy to dinner.

Taking on more than I could chew - Dave, 34
Dating apps can be unpredictable. Sometimes I get multiple matches and then there are times where I can’t get a match to save my life. On the last occasion that I was juggling conversations, one with a short brunette from London, another with a petite blonde from Kent, my friend also approached me with the ‘perfect blind date’ – or so she said. Naturally, I asked them all out on a date.

Feeling pretty chuffed with myself, they all said yes. The first date with the short brunette. We went for a drink, conversation flowed, one thing led to another… (you get the idea). A couple of days later, I went on my second date, the blind date. Happily, surprised with the lady walking towards me at Waterloo station, we went for dinner and drinks. Relaxing afterwards, with the chairs slightly closer than was probably appropriate, the short brunette from the other night walks around the corner (we had another date lined up for tomorrow). Clocking me immediately, her eyes went from me, to my date, and then back to me again. I gave a tentative smile and a feeble wave. The girls looked at each other, exchanging that knowing nod – damn it. As the short brunette walked away, my date of the moment turned to look at me, “who was that?” Umm… She made me explain, watching as I squirmed. Safe to say the date came to a rather fast close. We didn’t speak again, and my friend that hooked us up hasn’t made much of an effort with me either. The short brunette cancelled our second date, no surprise there. But hey, there is always the petite blonde…

BUMBLE

A revelation for men who are fed up of unanswered messages - Bumble requires women to make the first move. Compared to apps like Tinder, Happn and Plenty of Fish, Bumble is relatively new. Once matched, ladies have 24 hours to send the first message, the man then has a further 24 hours to reply, otherwise, the match expires.

 
Worst Tinder Bumble Dating App Dates
Photo: Tony Lam Hoang

A chauffeur experience I’ll never forget - Sarah, 23
After a few days of good banter with my latest match on Bumble, Alex, he finally asked me out to dinner.

On the day, I received a message from him asking for my address, as he was going to send his driver to pick me up. Reluctant to give my home address so soon, we agreed that he’d collect me from a local tube station. Awkwardly waiting for my mystery man to arrive, a black car pulled up and he jumped out to open my door. Polite, good start. But short, bad start (especially when I’m 5ft 8).

The conversation was difficult on the ride to the restaurant. We arrived and were told there would be a 40-minute wait for a table – great, more small talk. The more I got to know him, the less I liked. He was arrogant and self-absorbed, spoke a lot about money and even asking the price of my handbag! By the time we were shown to our table, I was ready to leave.

At dinner, the topic of his driver came up in conversation – I’d never met anyone with a designated driver before. Alex smugly explained that his chauffeur had been the ‘family driver’ for years, and takes him wherever he desires. Becoming more fed up with him by the minute, I was glad when we could finally ask for the bill. As we headed to the till to pay, he made a convenient dash for the loo. Me being me, I paid.

Just when I thought the evening couldn’t get any worse, we arrived back at his driver’s car and got in. A knock at the window, and suddenly two men were asking us to step out of the car saying the booking had been made on a fraudulent card. Alex immediately said, “no no, you’ve got the wrong Alex Harvis.” Not a normal reaction…

Asking him to vacate the vehicle for questioning, I took the liberty of doing a little questioning myself, to the driver. Turns out he was an Addison Lee and tonight was the first time he’d met Alex! I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry. Wanting to remove myself from the situation as fast as possible, I jumped out of the cab and made my own way home. Alex messaged me after the date, but it goes without saying that he didn’t receive a response.

A date with a prince - Christina, 24
Much to my surprise, one date turned into many and the next thing I knew, we were dating. He was a lovely guy, German, well-spoken, kind. It wasn’t until he invited me to join him on a shooting trip, that I realised he was a bit more than your average guy. The invitation started, ‘Dear Prince Richard.’ Yes, a Prince. We had been dating for over a month and I had no idea that I was dating a Prince! As I read on, I realised that not only was the trip in Spain, it was to take place on the biggest estate in the country, with some rather influential people – so, of course, I went.

It was exciting and I quite enjoyed being a lady. A few weeks after we were back though, I decided to end it. He didn’t quite have enough spunk for me. We’re still good friends now though and regularly meet up. I just don’t think he’ll be making me his princess anytime soon.

A 50/50 chance - Oliver, 26
My date went surprisingly well; it was at the end when things got a little more interesting. The girl I was with couldn’t decide whether she should invite me back to her place or not. I’m a guy, I have needs, of course, I wanted to go back so I was disappointed when she decided we should go separate ways. However, as I was walking away, she called me back over, “heads you stay, tails you go.” Luck was on my side because no matter how many times she flipped that coin, it always landed on heads.

It’s not all bad - Often the worst dates are the funniest and make the best stories. If you’ve had any good or bad experiences, we’d love to read them! Please comment below and don’t hold back on the deets!  

 

Katherine Brook, Lifestyle Journalist

Photo Credit: Andreas Weitz
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