What's your "never again" story? And are they as bad as the ones we mention?..
By lily soutter
When it comes to cringe-worthy stories, mishaps that happen between the sheets really do top the charts. Sex can be a lot of things, passionate, steamy and lustful but it can also turn awkward at the flick of a switch.
HERE ARE 8TOE-CURLING SEX STORIES THAT YOU'LL WANT TO WISH WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO YOU...
RULE NO.1 DON'T INJURE YOUR PARTNER!
'The guy I was with had had surgery to pin in place a dislocated shoulder about 3 months previously. I forgot this. When riding him, I started getting a bit rough and pinned his hands back behind his head.
Turns out his 'my shoulder just came out of joint' face is almost identical to his 'I'm about to come' face, so it was a couple of minutes and one orgasm (for me) later before I realised he was in a shitload of pain and starting to cry. I drove him straight to the hospital! Bad, bad day.’
- Sophie, 28
THREE'S A CROWD...
‘My ex’s mother and her boyfriend walked in on us so many times it wasn't even embarrassing anymore... Until she saw me naked, tied to his computer chair with his Xbox controllers.’
- Edel, 31
ANYONE WANT A MASSAGE?
‘Not so sexual, but once I was giving my girlfriend a back massage on my bed (she was topless). My grandfather opened the door to ask me a question..
All I could think to say was, "you want one next?"
... I still feel like an idiot.’
- James, 21
THE CLOSE SHAVE...
'My girlfriend and I decided to have an afternoon quickie. I reached in her dresser drawer for a condom and couldn’t find any, even though we’d just bought some the night before. No sooner had I closed the drawer then I heard yelling outside.
I looked out of the window and saw my girlfriend’s son filling up a suspiciously shaped water balloon with the garden hose while the other neighbourhood kids gathered around. Thankfully, I got outside and grabbed the box of condoms before any of the adult neighbours could see!
- Richard, 36
BIRTHDAY SEX
'It was 12:30am on my 18th birthday and my girlfriend of the time and I were laying on the couch watching a movie. My family had gone to bed earlier and my girlfriend turned her head to me and says, "I'm going to give you your birthday present now". We start going at it on the couch, everything's going well. We're in the spooning position and there is a blanket covering us up from the waist down. Not too much motion at the time just some good grinding, but I was balls deep in her.
The room suddenly got lighter, a very natural non-electric light. My eyes look up to see my mother, father and sister with a birthday cake, walking into the room singing happy birthday. I am balls deep in my girlfriend.
My parents sang to me while I was having sex!! At least Mum didn’t lean in with the cake and say, "OK, now BLOW!"'
- David, 25
AN UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT
'Going down on a guy and he's getting a bit rough with me. I normally have zero gag reflex and a high pain tolerance, so no problem so far. What I didn't factor in was the food poisoning I had contracted over the previous day. I vomited into my mouth and tried to swallow it back. Unfortunately, the taste made me vomit a second time, just as he pulls back, it goes all over my chest and sheets. I was mortified but he wanted to carry on having sex. Turns out it turned him on, big time... I still can't decide whether I am more embarrassed about throwing up or freaked out that it got him going?’
- Rosie, 30
DON'T LEAVE US HANGING! WHO WANTED NOODLES??
'I guess my story is depressing rather than embarrassing, but here it goes. So, I'm a guy. A female friend of mine came to visit me in the middle of the night with one of her girl friends. They came to the city on a night out and wanted to crash for a few hours before getting a taxi back home.
They had woken me up so I just sat on my bed chatting with them.
My friend came to sit on the bed with me and before long, there was touching... the other girl was using my computer at the time. Anyway, things got pretty heated and after a while, the friend saw what was happening and came to join the fun. That's when it turned bad. The thought that this fantasy of every guy might be coming true hit me like a tonne of bricks and... I don't know. I panicked.
I sat up and said "I'm making noodles. Who wants noodles?" I jumped off the bed and walked straight to the kitchen, feeling their "WTF!?" looks on my back. I just stood in the kitchen looking at nothing and ended up making noodles with added tears. They left soon after.
I still sob a little when I think about this.'
- Tom, 23
Do you have any embarrassing sex stories that need to be shared? We’d love to hear them. Email thesqueeze@press-london.com and don’t hold back on the deets!
